[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
You Might Also Like
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
sleeping beauty
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?