~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
You Might Also Like
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Kids: Stay in school.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”