I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
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I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
want me to check your oil?