[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
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[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
getting corrected
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Every damn time
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
These aliens are taking forever.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
this is the greatest thing ever
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.