Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
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Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
greetings!
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.