MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
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I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed