I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
You Might Also Like
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?