I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
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My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.