Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
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Jesus Christ lmao
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I…do not understand how electricity works.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
notice
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
(yawn)
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.