Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
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Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.