If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
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The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I am, perchance
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now