*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
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An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Nomnomnomnom
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.