i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
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When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
If looks could kill
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Oh the world we live in…
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.