[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
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dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
i think both sides are to blame here
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.