There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
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I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats