The first matador
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Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
saving face 👀
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.