*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
You Might Also Like
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.