My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
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I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Does it…does it take 3 days
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E