ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
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Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.