WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
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Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.