DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
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Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability