Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
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(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
me and the Superbowl rn
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.