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My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.