[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
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mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th