Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
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I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
it was love at first sight
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.