i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
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Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now