I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
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We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?