*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
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ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Milk Cube
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Plant care tips
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots