Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
My work here is done
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh