If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
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[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.