shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
You Might Also Like
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.