Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
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BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Think I pulled my liver
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
house sitting!
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
This is me
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*