Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
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Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.