Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
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My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.