I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
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You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China