The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?