it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
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I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I hate my earbuds.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.