Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
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him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.