BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
where do you see yourself in five years?
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.