Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
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I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
saving face 👀
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Practicing safe sax
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.