You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
You Might Also Like
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
found my next D&D character name
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.