I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
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Are you a cat person or a person person?
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
🙂🐾
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Monday?
No. Next question.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger