Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
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The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway