I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
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“Sheer Arrogance”
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.