doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
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some things should go without saying
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
6: are snakes just neck?
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want