I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
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I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
“We will wed,” I threatened
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids