Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Dear Lord..
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*