[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
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“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”