The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
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So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.