her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
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I like crazy people until they notice me
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang